Father's Day (Days 333-342)

I don't normally share my personal journal entries online. I'll share bits and pieces of them, and usually on my other blog, but today's was the best bit of writing I feel like I've done for a long time and I wanted to share. The pictures are by no means related, just wanted to share the progress I've made so far on various projects.  

Everyone thinks their issues are unique, that they're the only ones who have ever experienced these things. These people are mostly writers, trying to make sense of their experiences and to show people that they really are as fucked up as they've said they are. 

Today is Father's day. On Mother's day, I called my mom and talked to her for at least 45 minutes even though we were on our way to Orlando. Even though I had sent her a card filled with deep sentiments and my attempts at handwriting. 

I sent my dad a card. I don't know if it got there in time or not. I don't know if I will call him.

There are so many weird emotions there and every time I try to make sense of them, I just frustrate myself and revert to being an angry 14 year old. I don't like that person who was too cynical and pessimistic for her own good, who grew up hard and hardened. Who didn't trust the people she should've. 

Beth wrote a letter to her dad, my grandfather, who has been dead for 31 years by her count. She told him how much alike they were and was generally angry about how he isn't here and never really was. 

I started this entry confused and frustrated, a trail mix of emotions, when my dad messaged me, thanking me for his card that did arrive in time. He mentioned his colonoscopy he's having on Tuesday for a general checkup since he's over 50 now. 

"well after tuesday, I won't be as full of shit as I usually am"

It's these comments and moments that remind me that no matter what, he's still my dad. I may not be as tall as the rest of that side of the family but the same sense of humor is what connects us all. 

"You’d love your granddaughter. She is a photographer like you. She is smart, has a wicked sense of humor, and like most of the rest of us, the same depression that everyone on our side of the family has (but don’t ever think that we could have gotten some from Mom’s side, because she will deny it)."

I'd never really thought about the fact that I hadn't met my grandfather until today. I never knew him or met him and never felt sad or upset about it. It was just a fact, like the sky being blue or the ground hard. My grandfather was dead and I'd never meet him. 

And then I read what Beth wrote and suddenly I missed a man I never knew. I missed the opportunity I never had to meet a man that I'd never know. I think the biggest reason why I was so upset by Beth's letter is because she said he would've liked me and which, in turn, I'd probably like him. A quiet, sullen man who liked photography and wicked jokes. 

Yeah, I think we could've enjoyed a beer or two together.

Itchy (Day 117 KEDfaY)

Please ignore the missing dresser drawer. I took it out to empty it and just hadn't put it back yet.

More knitting on SSP#1 today. I am 2/3 through this one part that I've had problems with and it's FINALLY looking right. I'll work on it more tonight. I don't think I'll get much done on it tomorrow since tomorrow is my trip to the doctor and an altogether day out. I'm really hoping I don't have the flesh eating bacteria. I can't afford to be in the hospital right now. Again, no necrotizing flesh on my face but this is the doctor who gave me an EKG last time I when I just needed my Pap for the year so who knows what he'll do. 

The worst part about this rash right now is that it itches like crazy and I can't help but pick at it and scratch it which means I'm washing my hands a million times a day. My hands are all dry and gross now because of it. I already had a thing about picking at scabs and now my face is a huge series of scabs that I just want to pick at. It's not fun. Hopefully the doctor will give me some helpful advice tomorrow. Who knows. In the meantime, I have a supa sekrit project to work on. 

I can feel it, coming in the air tonight (Day 91 KEDfaY)

Blah blah blah, I've moved.

Part of moving that only one person really mentioned to me is finding a new doctor. I found my new doctor, who I enjoy, but I haven't really liked the birth control I've been on for the last year so he recommended I go to a Ob/Gyn to talk about my options. This idea alone scares me because that's the doctor you go to when you want babies and I don't know if I've mentioned it or not, but I don't want babies for a VERY long time, if ever. But I scheduled an appointment anyway and trekked down there. The entire process of scheduling this appointment, the nurses and I have said that it was just going to be a consultation about switching my birth control. That's it. That's all I expected and I was quite happy with just that.

I met my Ob/GYN and we chatted for a long time about options and what the one I'm on now is doing. He said that the type I'm on can cause depression which almost made me shout, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me." But instead I just shouted, "THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE." Seriously, the last year now makes sense. I was having spells of depression for absolutely no reason and I couldn't figure out why. Turns out it was because I switched birth control pills and the one I switched to made me the kid sitting in the corner that even the emo kids didn't want to talk to. 

We're finishing up our consultation and he's telling me what he's going to prescribe me and then he points to the table and says, "Okay, time to do the pelvic exam." 

Um.

Excuse me. 

I didn't know this was part of the deal. Why? Why. Just. Why? I had a pap and everything two weeks ago, surely I don't need another strange man to poke around my vagina. But no. I don't get to compromise about this. 

I change into the gown, which this time was fabric unlike two weeks ago which was a very noisy paper gown, and I sat and waited to be poked, I noticed that the music from the waiting room was being piped into the little examination rooms as well. I was sitting in my fabric gown jamming out to "Hey Ya" and singing along, minding my own business and generally not paying attention to the music.

The doctor came in along with the nurse and the not-quite-resident that he was training, which I don't know if you know but four people in a small examination room makes it quite claustrophobic but I dealt with it. The doctor listened to my heart and did a breast exam (when did breast exams turn into grown men pretending to knead your boobs like cats? Seriously, the two I've had in the past two weeks have both been like the doctor was trying to do his best Maru impression on my boobs, something that I did visualize and then had to quickly forget about as they played with my boobs like giant kittens). As he asked me to lay back before listening to my heart, Phil Collins' "In the air tonight" started playing. Remember how I said the music was piped into the exam rooms as well? If I had to pick a more awkward song, I don't know if I could. So there I am, being felt up by a man trying to be a cat on my boobs, while the definition of '80s drum beats is playing in the background and just when I think it can't get worse, the pelvic exam starts.

Next time you think that your pelvic exam can't get any more awkward, because let's face it, they're generally awkward by nature, I mean, you have a robot duck being shoved in places it shouldn't be shoved usually while a nurse is asking you questions about your life (Where'dyougotoschoolWhat'dyoumajorinWhatbringsyoutoJacksonvilleHowareyoulikingitDoyoumissIndiana etc) and an old man is fondling parts of you that you didn't know could be manipulated that way, just think that you could have Phil Collins singing at you too.

I knit today too but it's decidedly less exciting/awkward than Phil Collins Pelvic Exam.

Supa sekrit squirrel surprise (Day 78 KEDfaY)

No picture of knitting today. Have a picture of a cat who might be plotting to murder me in this very picture.

The eagle has landed (I got yarn) and I've begun my super sekrit project. It's going to get a full detailed post once the person receiving said project gets it. I don't want to spoil any surprises. Started a swatch for it today so there was some knitting although minor.

The next week or so is going to be tough and posts might be short and brief. My puppy dog that I had to leave back in Indiana (she doesn't travel well and doesn't deal well with heat at all) isn't doing well. My mom called me yesterday to tell me that and then I spent an hour crying. A whole hour. I timed it. It sucks and I feel terrible and guilty and awful and like the worst person ever because I can't be there with her and hold her and generally comfort her. It hurts me because I can't be there for her and I could have very well seen her for the last time. It's an awful, awful feeling. 

I skyped with her today. She had just had a bath so she was generally indignant. She curled up and went to sleep shortly after we started skyping. It was nice though just to watch her sleep, which totally makes me sound creepy but I've already admitted that I skyped with my dog today so... We have another skype date planned for tomorrow. I'm hoping she might be more awake and in a better mood since she won't have just had a bath. 

Did I mention that yesterday was the anniversary of my step-brother's death too? Yeah, yesterday sucked. I remembered as I was sitting in a paper gown, waiting for the doctor to come in and do my annual exam. I don't recommend crying while wearing a paper gown or while waiting for a doctor to come and poke your private bits. 

Exam went well though. Doctor didn't say anything was abnormal when he was poking down there so I'll take it. He did scare the crap out of me though. The little machine that takes your blood pressure and pulse clocked my pulse at 48, which is REALLY low. He commented and I said that I honestly didn't pay attention to that so I couldn't tell you if it were normal or not. He then came in after the pelvic poking exam and told me he was going to do an EKG on me. This is before my mom calling me but after I remembered it was the anniversary of my step-brother's death. EKG was fine but it was enough to add more fuel to the crazy fire that was yesterday. 

So that's been the last 48 hours for me. It's been stressful and depressing. I distracted myself for a good portion of the afternoon today, which was nice. Tomorrow is going to be another day of stress and tears but maybe I can distract myself more with my sekrit project. We'll see...

PSA from me to you (Day 76 KEDfaY)

Finished a square! Whoo! I know my knitting right now isn't very exciting but it will be soon, in about 10 days or so, at least knitting I can share with you. 

I plied my yarn today at knitting! That was super exciting. It's currently drying in the bathroom. I forgot to measure the yardage before hanging it up but that's fine because my swift hates me so I have to re-skein it and then I'll get the yardage. My consistency was much more...consistent? I was very happy about that. I got I think about a sport weight with some spots of DK because I had to deal with the cat attempting to help me but really just making things worse. Those spots are gross but not that bad. And then of course there are spots that I just plain messed up and couldn't fix at the time.  

I don't know what to work on next. I hope to get yarn for the sekrit project soon so I can start the swatches and then submit it for an OWL hopefully because if I'm going to make this sekrit project, I want points for it, dammit. 

Tomorrow is a very exciting day of going to the doctor and getting my annual exam. It's never fun and mostly just uncomfortable but it's a necessary evil and I need to get it done. Have you gotten your annual exam this year? Go. Do it. Now. 

Bittersweet (Day 43 KEDfaY)

So I had this mole. I have a lot of them actually but most of them aren't that big or noticeable or annoying but I have a few that I've had pegged for removal as soon as I can afford it. (Because they're not cancerous or possibly cancerous, insurance won't pay for it because it would be a cosmetic surgery. *eye roll*)

But I had this one, in a very private area. It's one that my mom would tell all of my high school boyfriends that if they ever saw it, she would castrate them. My mom sure does know how to embarass me. 

It wasn't in the way of anything per se, it was just annoying and ugly as most moles are. It wasn't a nice accent mole like Cindy Crawford but big and ugly and hairy. 

I've removed a couple of moles before. They were small and in danger of being ripped off by various pieces of clothing so I removed them. This one though was big and because of the area, I was afraid of possible infection because sweat is not good for open wounds.

(At this point I would like to say that I'm not a medical professional and any medical professional would probably scream and yell and possibly faint at me for doing what I did but hey, at least I sterilized the scissors I used.)

But since I'm unemployed and have nothing but time right now, I decided to get rid of it. And I did. Today was its last day and now it's sitting on my desk.

I always get weirdly sentimental about these kinds of things. I mean, I don't want it, I didn't want it and I never liked it but it's a part of me that's now sitting on my desk. It's a little bittersweet to me. 

And probably a little creepy too. 

----

Back in the not at all too personal or creepy world of Leigh, let's talk about knitting!

I decided to make a washcloth. I'm planning on making a bunch and giving them to the Boyfriend's mom probably. She's a Doctor Who fan like most of the other people I know so I decided that this one would be perfect for her and it wouldn't be so boring that I'd want to poke my eyes out. It was a relatively simple pattern and I plan on making at least two more, possibly more. It would've gone faster if I could count but we all know that I can't count. I had to rip back a couple of times but since the whole thing is only 35 stitches wide, it wasn't that big of a deal.