Sunday, June 29, 2014

Exhausted (Days 352-356)

I haven't knit a whole lot lately. Don't get me wrong. I've still been knitting but once I got my shawl to 50%, I slowed down. Even though I have at least one more deadline to make in the next couple of days. Even though my plate is full of stuff right now. I've taken my extra time to play word games online and take nice baths.

It's difficult to explain to someone who has never worked in retail just how draining it is but everyone who has been in my very worn, "All Day Comfort" shoes, knows that it is exhausting. I know my shifts are short and my paycheck reflects that I am just part time, but at the end of my day, I want nothing more than to veg out in front of the TV while casually playing games on my phone. (I am really enjoying Tiny Death Star right now because it is easy to play and entertains me.) So knitting isn't my priority. Especially not after days when I have to pack/unpack/move stuff all day. My hands are currently screaming because yesterday involved shoving my hand into very tiny holes and trying to get little bottles of paint organized. My fingers are swollen and stiff and don't really want to knit socks right now. Maybe a crochet a blanket square but definitely not knit on sz 1s.

So don't fret. I'm still knitting. I'm just taking it easy.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Chaos (Days 343-351)

I'm still knitting.

And I'm kinda crocheting too.

And reorganizing everything, like a spring cleaning but in June.

I'm trying to find a daily rhythm that's adaptable to my life and the chaos that seems to be ever present.

Just trying to get shit done without going crazy or losing motivation or will.

I know my year of knitting is coming up and I'm excited. I've enjoyed documenting my progress and seeing what I've actually gotten done in the past year while I tried to stay sane.

I'm trying to figure out what my next theme will be. Do I continue with the knitting theme? Or do I do a "craft" every day. I've taken up crocheting more and spinning has been added to my list of skills so I don't see why not. I've also been journaling like crazy and planning a bigger, long term craft project that involves a quilt and a map. It's gonna be great.

But until then, I guess I'll just keep knitting.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Father's Day (Days 333-342)

I don't normally share my personal journal entries online. I'll share bits and pieces of them, and usually on my other blog, but today's was the best bit of writing I feel like I've done for a long time and I wanted to share. The pictures are by no means related, just wanted to share the progress I've made so far on various projects.  

Everyone thinks their issues are unique, that they're the only ones who have ever experienced these things. These people are mostly writers, trying to make sense of their experiences and to show people that they really are as fucked up as they've said they are. 

Today is Father's day. On Mother's day, I called my mom and talked to her for at least 45 minutes even though we were on our way to Orlando. Even though I had sent her a card filled with deep sentiments and my attempts at handwriting. 

I sent my dad a card. I don't know if it got there in time or not. I don't know if I will call him.

There are so many weird emotions there and every time I try to make sense of them, I just frustrate myself and revert to being an angry 14 year old. I don't like that person who was too cynical and pessimistic for her own good, who grew up hard and hardened. Who didn't trust the people she should've. 

Beth wrote a letter to her dad, my grandfather, who has been dead for 31 years by her count. She told him how much alike they were and was generally angry about how he isn't here and never really was. 

I started this entry confused and frustrated, a trail mix of emotions, when my dad messaged me, thanking me for his card that did arrive in time. He mentioned his colonoscopy he's having on Tuesday for a general checkup since he's over 50 now. 

"well after tuesday, I won't be as full of shit as I usually am"

It's these comments and moments that remind me that no matter what, he's still my dad. I may not be as tall as the rest of that side of the family but the same sense of humor is what connects us all. 

"You’d love your granddaughter. She is a photographer like you. She is smart, has a wicked sense of humor, and like most of the rest of us, the same depression that everyone on our side of the family has (but don’t ever think that we could have gotten some from Mom’s side, because she will deny it)."

I'd never really thought about the fact that I hadn't met my grandfather until today. I never knew him or met him and never felt sad or upset about it. It was just a fact, like the sky being blue or the ground hard. My grandfather was dead and I'd never meet him. 

And then I read what Beth wrote and suddenly I missed a man I never knew. I missed the opportunity I never had to meet a man that I'd never know. I think the biggest reason why I was so upset by Beth's letter is because she said he would've liked me and which, in turn, I'd probably like him. A quiet, sullen man who liked photography and wicked jokes. 

Yeah, I think we could've enjoyed a beer or two together.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Ahem... (Days 320-332)

Well, we'll just ignore that right? That long gap of silence? Yeah, that wasn't on purpose. I've just been busy.

Aside from work, there's been a lot at home that I've wanted to accomplish and very little of my precious free time in which to do it.

It doesn't help that all of my projects I'm working on right now are big. Shawls and such. Mostly shawls. And various squares for blankets for different things.

And I still haven't gotten into the swing of things. I don't have a routine and it's difficult to get into a daily rhythm when your schedule is constantly changing and you never work the same hours or same shifts. I don't have a schedule I adhere to at home aside from the mandatory shower once I get home from work because, seriously, I stink when I get home. 

But I have been productive. I've been knitting and crocheting and spinning. I've been trying to get ahead or at least on schedule with any of my projects because as soon as I think that I'm on track, I suddenly realize that there's only three more days in the month and I was very wrong. 

The good news is that I'll hopefully be able to start teaching soon. I've given the store manager everything she's asked for and then of course she went on vacation so hopefully sometime next week she'll let me know if I need to do anything else aside from make fliers. But yay! Teaching soon! And more money! Which, since I've decided that I need new work shoes (because I do) and of course the ones I want are the cost of an entire paycheck of mine (no joke) then I really need that extra money.

I'm also trying to figure out how to make money from spinning. I really enjoy doing it and while I might not have the highest quality of yarn yet, I'd like the option. But I don't know how I should go about doing that.

But these are worries for another day. Today I am hoping to get caught up on some knitting and maybe organize the mess that I call my desk. Maybe.