Exhausted (Days 352-356)

I haven't knit a whole lot lately. Don't get me wrong. I've still been knitting but once I got my shawl to 50%, I slowed down. Even though I have at least one more deadline to make in the next couple of days. Even though my plate is full of stuff right now. I've taken my extra time to play word games online and take nice baths.

It's difficult to explain to someone who has never worked in retail just how draining it is but everyone who has been in my very worn, "All Day Comfort" shoes, knows that it is exhausting. I know my shifts are short and my paycheck reflects that I am just part time, but at the end of my day, I want nothing more than to veg out in front of the TV while casually playing games on my phone. (I am really enjoying Tiny Death Star right now because it is easy to play and entertains me.) So knitting isn't my priority. Especially not after days when I have to pack/unpack/move stuff all day. My hands are currently screaming because yesterday involved shoving my hand into very tiny holes and trying to get little bottles of paint organized. My fingers are swollen and stiff and don't really want to knit socks right now. Maybe a crochet a blanket square but definitely not knit on sz 1s.

So don't fret. I'm still knitting. I'm just taking it easy.

Chaos (Days 343-351)

I'm still knitting.

And I'm kinda crocheting too.

And reorganizing everything, like a spring cleaning but in June.

I'm trying to find a daily rhythm that's adaptable to my life and the chaos that seems to be ever present.

Just trying to get shit done without going crazy or losing motivation or will.

I know my year of knitting is coming up and I'm excited. I've enjoyed documenting my progress and seeing what I've actually gotten done in the past year while I tried to stay sane.

I'm trying to figure out what my next theme will be. Do I continue with the knitting theme? Or do I do a "craft" every day. I've taken up crocheting more and spinning has been added to my list of skills so I don't see why not. I've also been journaling like crazy and planning a bigger, long term craft project that involves a quilt and a map. It's gonna be great.

But until then, I guess I'll just keep knitting.

Father's Day (Days 333-342)

I don't normally share my personal journal entries online. I'll share bits and pieces of them, and usually on my other blog, but today's was the best bit of writing I feel like I've done for a long time and I wanted to share. The pictures are by no means related, just wanted to share the progress I've made so far on various projects.  

Everyone thinks their issues are unique, that they're the only ones who have ever experienced these things. These people are mostly writers, trying to make sense of their experiences and to show people that they really are as fucked up as they've said they are. 

Today is Father's day. On Mother's day, I called my mom and talked to her for at least 45 minutes even though we were on our way to Orlando. Even though I had sent her a card filled with deep sentiments and my attempts at handwriting. 

I sent my dad a card. I don't know if it got there in time or not. I don't know if I will call him.

There are so many weird emotions there and every time I try to make sense of them, I just frustrate myself and revert to being an angry 14 year old. I don't like that person who was too cynical and pessimistic for her own good, who grew up hard and hardened. Who didn't trust the people she should've. 

Beth wrote a letter to her dad, my grandfather, who has been dead for 31 years by her count. She told him how much alike they were and was generally angry about how he isn't here and never really was. 

I started this entry confused and frustrated, a trail mix of emotions, when my dad messaged me, thanking me for his card that did arrive in time. He mentioned his colonoscopy he's having on Tuesday for a general checkup since he's over 50 now. 

"well after tuesday, I won't be as full of shit as I usually am"

It's these comments and moments that remind me that no matter what, he's still my dad. I may not be as tall as the rest of that side of the family but the same sense of humor is what connects us all. 

"You’d love your granddaughter. She is a photographer like you. She is smart, has a wicked sense of humor, and like most of the rest of us, the same depression that everyone on our side of the family has (but don’t ever think that we could have gotten some from Mom’s side, because she will deny it)."

I'd never really thought about the fact that I hadn't met my grandfather until today. I never knew him or met him and never felt sad or upset about it. It was just a fact, like the sky being blue or the ground hard. My grandfather was dead and I'd never meet him. 

And then I read what Beth wrote and suddenly I missed a man I never knew. I missed the opportunity I never had to meet a man that I'd never know. I think the biggest reason why I was so upset by Beth's letter is because she said he would've liked me and which, in turn, I'd probably like him. A quiet, sullen man who liked photography and wicked jokes. 

Yeah, I think we could've enjoyed a beer or two together.

Ahem... (Days 320-332)

Well, we'll just ignore that right? That long gap of silence? Yeah, that wasn't on purpose. I've just been busy.

Aside from work, there's been a lot at home that I've wanted to accomplish and very little of my precious free time in which to do it.

It doesn't help that all of my projects I'm working on right now are big. Shawls and such. Mostly shawls. And various squares for blankets for different things.

And I still haven't gotten into the swing of things. I don't have a routine and it's difficult to get into a daily rhythm when your schedule is constantly changing and you never work the same hours or same shifts. I don't have a schedule I adhere to at home aside from the mandatory shower once I get home from work because, seriously, I stink when I get home. 

But I have been productive. I've been knitting and crocheting and spinning. I've been trying to get ahead or at least on schedule with any of my projects because as soon as I think that I'm on track, I suddenly realize that there's only three more days in the month and I was very wrong. 

The good news is that I'll hopefully be able to start teaching soon. I've given the store manager everything she's asked for and then of course she went on vacation so hopefully sometime next week she'll let me know if I need to do anything else aside from make fliers. But yay! Teaching soon! And more money! Which, since I've decided that I need new work shoes (because I do) and of course the ones I want are the cost of an entire paycheck of mine (no joke) then I really need that extra money.

I'm also trying to figure out how to make money from spinning. I really enjoy doing it and while I might not have the highest quality of yarn yet, I'd like the option. But I don't know how I should go about doing that.

But these are worries for another day. Today I am hoping to get caught up on some knitting and maybe organize the mess that I call my desk. Maybe.

I'm alive. I promise. (Days 315-319)

Holy crap, you guys.

I really don't recommend working 7 days in a row in retail. Especially when you have to walk to and from said job, in Florida, in the summer.

Along with my aching feet that I don't think will ever feel normal again, I have an awesome heat rash creeping on my leg. At least I hope it's a heat rash. I go to the doctor on Tuesday for a checkup on my anxiety meds so I'll ask him then.

But I have been knitting. Sure, some nights it was only two or three stitches, but dammit, I have been knitting.

Knitting is just a stitch at a time so those two or three stitches, no matter how minor and few, were actually progress.

Knitting really only has been my shawls I have going. I know I have other stuff I should attempt to work on but finding free time is difficult. 

And now if you'll excuse me, I have more dishes to clean than I'd like to admit. And then later, a trip to the vet! I was told that today is my day off but by my to-do list, you wouldn't believe me. 

Busy busy busy (Days 312-314)

Here is my knitting! I swear I actually knit on Friday, Saturday and today. I've just been stupid busy. The Boyfriend's mom and stepdad left yesterday and then I had possibly the worst day at work ever and I don't want to talk about it but at the end of the day, at least three different people had seen me cry. I still have my job, so that isn't the problem, just a crappy crap crap day.

I've restarted my Citron shawl. I am knitting it on the size needles that I originally planned and then changed my mind because I can't make a decision to save my life. So far it's going well but I'm only about 14 rows in. My other, big shawl is going well too. I'm back on track I think, time wise so I can work on the Citron and my spinning which has been sitting since I finished that bobbin.

Life has been busy with Universal and Harry Potter and then the Boyfriend's family still visiting and work. So much work. I have another 4 days before a day off again, which I am SO looking forward to, mainly just so I can sleep in or not have to wear a nametag. Or work pants.

Change of plans (Day 311)

So here's my plan.

I missed a couple of days because I suck. There's honestly no real reason except that I forgot. Poor planning and being overwhelmed by Harry Potter and excitement and being sick all combined left me a bit fried. There's no other reason besides that.

So my plan.

I'm just going to continue. It obviously won't be "every day for a year" now but I will keep going for 365 days total. It sucks. I know. I'm kinda kicking myself for it because it was going to be such an awesome accomplishment that I could point to and say, "Hey! Even when I didn't have a job or anything, I was still accomplishing things!"

Here I am at day 311/365. Maybe I'll actually get there and finish this now. It'll just be a few days later.

Here's my knitting for today. I'm working on my shawl still. I'm a *little* bit behind schedule but not so much that it's a bad thing. I just need to get ahead before other things happen like more family visits or more work. When I was hired they told me I'd get at most 15 hours a week and now I'm averaging 23 which is great but cuts into my knitting time even more. I'll also be able to start teaching knitting soon. I just have to get the classes planned out and fliers made and class supplies lists made. Fun stuff! It's all stuff that I have thought about but I just haven't written down yet.

Right, back to chores on my day off because I'm an adult now. Sad.